Your Gone, Yet Live On

Your roses still wilt

in a place they once bloomed

Your picture still hangs

on my wall in vain

Your letters are still folded neatly

in a safe tucked away place

And I still cry silently

whenever I see your sweet face

Your heart that you gave me

is still not put to rest

Every time that I hear you

I always remember the best

The words of your love

still go through my head

I remember and cherish

every word that you said

Every moment I am wishing

That I was still with you

Everyday I cry out to you

Every night, I just cry

The Night

Hi Stars, Hello Moon

Bye Sun, I will see you soon

The night is still young

I am destined to have fun

Natures dark freedom calls me

Burden of Me

you are the forsaken one
holding such power
the only one to embrace me
effecting my happiness or demise
to be right inside my emotions
of the days going by

when you are attentive
thoughtful and witty
my spirits are lifted
illuminating my ways
building within confidence
competence and hope

when you are distant
secretive and obscure
you will find me bitter
angry, weeping and
insecure

i am a product of your longing
as my mind and spirit
wrap around yours
i am a delicate being
please be mindful
in this burden that you bare

You Are Love

The irony is uncanny
You have searched your whole life for love
You know you shouldn’t
But decide you will
Take the plunge to love another
Full heartedly you stand by him
Fate has crossed your paths
You will guide your conscience
And sacrifice the consequences
All in the name of love

Ah! But you are not alone
One person the choice does not make
It takes two to complete a voyage
You’ve been miss-guided on your own tour
When the journey you were taking
Was blindly guided by yourself
You forgot to look back to see if he was following

Not til you have reached the very edge
And look down into its center
You see you are alone,
Confused….
Where did he go?
You could turn back
See where love got diverted
He must be lost, following your prints
Your scent must still be lingering?
He can not be too far behind….
No time to spare, you’ve gone too far
Maybe one day your love will find you
In the eternal tunnel of desire,
Maybe he is already there waiting for you now

You close your eyes
Braced for fate
Anticipation building
You decide
No!
This time…
This time….
My eyes will be open
Transparent you Jump!
Up and out into the arms of your destiny
The eternal world of dissolution

This time, there is no looking back
This time there is no path—
This time, you Fly!
A single soul with no sorrow
At once you feared never to find love
When you thought you embraced it, it was gone
And now you know…

You have never been alone
Gliding through eternity, you can chuckle at yourself
Of a time when disillusion got the better

Now you know....
Now you know….
YOU are love.

Where has my Good gone?

I want to sin
I need to
If I do not,
Then I will only be the victim
If I do not lie and cheat
I will only be cheated
Joining the sinner in his game

The devil perches himself on my shoulder
He tells me, do it, do it, it is okay
He whispers in my ear, straight to my conscience
“You lose either way,
Do not fall privy to vulnerability
But embrace this chance to make things even
Play the games, and aim to win
Let your sinful thoughts come to life
You live only once, don’t be a fool”

The words of a man are only as good as his actions
Act now, speed fast
Don’t think too much,
You will convince yourself otherwise

I need to sin
To cleanse my conscious of purity
The devil tells me so

And where has my angel gone?
To conquer sins deed
Where is she now to guide me?
Sin is beckoning, calling at the door
Sin is there
Well good is gone

He whispers,
“It is okay
You will feel better soon…
Go now!
Do it!”

Nothing But In-Between

I am nothing, if not in between
Not Beautiful or Appalling
Not Brilliant or Ignorant
I am not Tall or Short
Skinny or Fat
Not Rich or Poor
Sane or Crazy
I am not Cheerful or Miserable
Not Active or Lazy
Not Young or Old
Single or Married
Does that make me Plain?
Or Centered?
Or nothing, if not In-Between?

Home

Sitting in an empty shell of boredom
I wait
For you, my life, to surface
Heavy lids and a restless heart
Listening to the cars on the rain soaked street
The sirens of the fire trucks
The voices in the hall
A single candle flickers
And the teapot whistles
Noise is surrounding the silence of my tongue

Pictures hang of times past-traveled
Smiling faces of a time long gone
Books on every shelf, table and seat…
They are the all-encompassing knowledge forgotten
The phone does not ring
But sits void of communication
I fear the phone lonely…

Look around you now,
See it
For it’s you…
A thought of the mind manifested to the surface
Surroundings not of God’s graces
Or Mother Nature's ways
But the belongings and life of a single soul
This is your self-created haven
To sit
To contemplate
To be
Here I am the keeper, not the caged
Free
In this solitary space I call home

Searching...

The clock ticks

As time goes on

and even after years

I still don't belong

I've traveled my paths

with my head held high

yet it always turns out

I am the one to say good-bye

Sure, I meet new faces

and find it kind of fun

but all of my happiness dies

when I am back on the run

I fear I'll be searching forever

for my special place

where each and everyday is filled

with a friendly, familiar face

Love's Illusions

As we laid there on your bed
And on your chest
Laid my head
Our bodies so close
Our souls so near
And down my check
Rolls a tear
I can’t believe I feel like this
To be so close to someone
And love you more
With each new day
No doubt
Or fear
Of tomorrows woes
Fore tomorrow comes
With heartache of loss
Momentary vulnerability
As I wait stagnant
To meet my love at last
And when you come
You bring such joy
I am not forgotten
Your tender kisses tell me so
The caress of your hand as it brushes my thigh
Lips tenderly grazing the crease of my neck
And whispering words of sweet nothings
He tells me to hold him
And never let go
I wrap my arms around him
With no intention other than love
We embrace for long moments
No words need be spoken
Two strangers in the night
And come the light of day
We go our separate way
All delusions of love lost
Until we met again
And here I sit and wait
For my love past

Solitary Confinement

Outside her window lies a world full of life
Inside her home lies a solitude soul
Surrounded with thoughts in her own mind, she finds it hard to find her place in the world
Beside her there is no one to hold her and tell her it will be okay
In her eyes you can see, she is void of emotion, too strong to be weak
On her face is a genuine smile of relief to be of assistance, in one form or another, she searches for acceptance
Behind her are the shadows of days gone by and secrets untold
In front of her is the possibilities that tomorrow will hold the key to her happiness
Within her heart there is hope, that society will accept her, she has not failed yet, she will be seen and respected
Out on the current of life, she seeks to find her purpose

Hope

Hope. It is all we have.

Hope that tomorrow will be better
Hope that our children will make a difference

Hope that we will be loved
Hope that we can reciprocate that love

Hope of health
Hope of happiness

Hope that our lives are filled with more laughter than tears
Hope that those tears only make us stronger

Hope that we make the right choices
Hope that we are forgiven

Hope of Preservation
Hope of Growth

Hope that we will sleep well
Hope that we will wake easy

Hope of a long life
Hope of a swift death

Hope can not diminish…

What do you hope for?

Self Validation

April 3, 2009

Wow…where did April 2nd go? I had to check the date on that one! So it is Friday afternoon; I was off yesterday and spent the whole day in solitude (pretty much). I slept about 11 hours and woke around noon. My intent was to do laundry, but realized I had no laundry soap. So, off to the store I went, after returning movies and renting some more at 18th and P, I stopped at Whole Foods for soap, flowers, a new candle and a hair brush.

By the time I was home it was 3:00 pm and The Guy and I made plans to meet at 4:00 pm at his house, for an afternoon nap. I showered, paying extra care to insure shaved properly and moisturized with lotion, and topped off with perfume and mouthwash… there would be no stink today, or bad breath…

There was just about 5, maybe 10 minutes of The Guy's rundown of all the media on him the past week; and then up to bed. We made love, and it felt great! He felt great! So great~! Afterwards we took a nap, waking half way through and then cuddling while he feel back asleep and I lay snuggled up to his arm watching his hand rest on mine; placed on top of his furry chest… I can still see it…my hand on his chest, his hand on mine…

I wanted to take his hand and place it over my heart and let him know he will be there always and to tell him that I loved him and loved that he was in my life… but I didn’t.

Silence. Words that can never be spoken, because the thoughts and feelings should never exist.

As soon as he woke, with the phone ringing, him checking the caller id and choosing not to answer, he was up, I rose as well and started getting dressed; he came to me and told me he was going to shower and “Are you leaving?” The indication, that it was time to go.

So, obediently, I finished dressing, remade the bed and headed down stairs for my keys and a kiss on My Guy's forehead saying good-bye.

It was only 6:00 pm and I had not eaten yet, so I called and order a pizza to go from Matchbox. Traffic was bad as it was rush hour and Matchbox was packed, I had hickies on my neck, again, seems to be a constant these days, bringing me back to the high school days and my first "make-out boyfriend". After pushing my way through hoards of people in Matchbox, I took my pizza and headed home, here I will watch movies and eat pizza, drink a can of Coke (opposed to alcohol, which I am trying to avoid outside of social scenes).

One movie later he sends a text asking me what it is that I am doing. I tell him I have just finished watching a movie, would he like to go for a walk? No is his reply. He is meeting a friend at a Restaurant. I don’t believe his story, and fight the urge to walk past the Restaurant as I did go for a walk alone. Down to the Mall starting at the Monument and down to the Jefferson Memorial. There was a slight drizzle, and I appreciated that, the moisture falling down on me. I cut out of the Mall early and past the White House, eyeing the area of which I used to work and where My Guy claims to be busy with Tim from Tokyo at 10:00 pm….

Home. Glad I left when I did and left the phone behind. I was hoping there would be a message from My Guy, but not. Mike, however, had and asked me to message him when I was available to do something.

Mike and I only do one thing together, and the temptation is high. Just to have someone other than My Guy. A distraction for what I feel for a man who can not reciprocate.

Now, I woke early today, to do the laundry that I desperately needed to do. I will now be running late to work, as all I want to do is sit, smoke, drink coffee and write to myself of the almost having it all life that I lead.

One thing I know. I love me. I love my bed. I love my space. I love my Independence. I don’t think I need the validation of another’s love to feel important or purposeful.

And I will continue to tell myself that, as it is comforting—whatever gets you through the day…

Love,
Valerie