Self Validation

April 3, 2009

Wow…where did April 2nd go? I had to check the date on that one! So it is Friday afternoon; I was off yesterday and spent the whole day in solitude (pretty much). I slept about 11 hours and woke around noon. My intent was to do laundry, but realized I had no laundry soap. So, off to the store I went, after returning movies and renting some more at 18th and P, I stopped at Whole Foods for soap, flowers, a new candle and a hair brush.

By the time I was home it was 3:00 pm and The Guy and I made plans to meet at 4:00 pm at his house, for an afternoon nap. I showered, paying extra care to insure shaved properly and moisturized with lotion, and topped off with perfume and mouthwash… there would be no stink today, or bad breath…

There was just about 5, maybe 10 minutes of The Guy's rundown of all the media on him the past week; and then up to bed. We made love, and it felt great! He felt great! So great~! Afterwards we took a nap, waking half way through and then cuddling while he feel back asleep and I lay snuggled up to his arm watching his hand rest on mine; placed on top of his furry chest… I can still see it…my hand on his chest, his hand on mine…

I wanted to take his hand and place it over my heart and let him know he will be there always and to tell him that I loved him and loved that he was in my life… but I didn’t.

Silence. Words that can never be spoken, because the thoughts and feelings should never exist.

As soon as he woke, with the phone ringing, him checking the caller id and choosing not to answer, he was up, I rose as well and started getting dressed; he came to me and told me he was going to shower and “Are you leaving?” The indication, that it was time to go.

So, obediently, I finished dressing, remade the bed and headed down stairs for my keys and a kiss on My Guy's forehead saying good-bye.

It was only 6:00 pm and I had not eaten yet, so I called and order a pizza to go from Matchbox. Traffic was bad as it was rush hour and Matchbox was packed, I had hickies on my neck, again, seems to be a constant these days, bringing me back to the high school days and my first "make-out boyfriend". After pushing my way through hoards of people in Matchbox, I took my pizza and headed home, here I will watch movies and eat pizza, drink a can of Coke (opposed to alcohol, which I am trying to avoid outside of social scenes).

One movie later he sends a text asking me what it is that I am doing. I tell him I have just finished watching a movie, would he like to go for a walk? No is his reply. He is meeting a friend at a Restaurant. I don’t believe his story, and fight the urge to walk past the Restaurant as I did go for a walk alone. Down to the Mall starting at the Monument and down to the Jefferson Memorial. There was a slight drizzle, and I appreciated that, the moisture falling down on me. I cut out of the Mall early and past the White House, eyeing the area of which I used to work and where My Guy claims to be busy with Tim from Tokyo at 10:00 pm….

Home. Glad I left when I did and left the phone behind. I was hoping there would be a message from My Guy, but not. Mike, however, had and asked me to message him when I was available to do something.

Mike and I only do one thing together, and the temptation is high. Just to have someone other than My Guy. A distraction for what I feel for a man who can not reciprocate.

Now, I woke early today, to do the laundry that I desperately needed to do. I will now be running late to work, as all I want to do is sit, smoke, drink coffee and write to myself of the almost having it all life that I lead.

One thing I know. I love me. I love my bed. I love my space. I love my Independence. I don’t think I need the validation of another’s love to feel important or purposeful.

And I will continue to tell myself that, as it is comforting—whatever gets you through the day…

Love,
Valerie